Apocalypse Cape Town

30 days of shopping left before Mayan apocalypse

With just 30 shopping days left before the world ends in accordance with an ancient Mayan calendar, many holidaymakers are leaving Gauteng early to beat the pre-apocalypse rush to Cape Town. Meanwhile, the Education Department has announced it will “go out with a bang”, inflating Matric marks by 45,000%.
The discovery of the calendar, and that it stopped on December 21, 2012, prompted millions of people to assume that the world would end on that date, rather than that the Mayan astronomers had run out of space on their big circular rock, or had gone for a tea-break and had forgotten to finish.
However, South Africans are preparing for the worst, many saying that the Mayan apocalypse was foretold by Nostradamus, a prophecy which is clearly audible if you play ‘Sugar Man’ by Rodriguez backwards.
This morning, consumer advisor Zara Rippov urged shoppers to be on the lookout for pre-apocalypse bargains.
“Just because a giant demigod with the head of a snake and the feet of an eagle is going to rise up out of the sea and obliterate us all, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the best deals,” she said, adding that sales of 2013 diaries were currently “sluggish”, and that shoppers should try to haggle prices down.
Cape Town residents say they are not particularly worried about the end of the world, as they experience an apocalypse every December when visitors from Gauteng start arriving.
“It’s pretty much straight out of a Mayan prophecy,” said resident K.P. Oake. “These creatures arrive and start stomping around your city: boiled red like lobsters, gigantically fat, with nasty pork-sausage toes bursting out of flip-flops, wearing Springbok jerseys and board-shorts instead of real clothes. Utter obliteration will be kind of a blessing, really.”
Meanwhile, the Education Department has confirmed that it will announce this year’s Matric marks on December 22, a day after the end of the world.
“We’re setting our Inflate-O-Marker to 11 this year,” said spokesman, Teechaz Pett. “It’s going to be so nice not having any whiny DA killjoys around to question why every single learner in the country has achieved 43 distinctions.”
The ANC has also confirmed that Jacob Zuma is looking forward to the apocalypse.
“He’s going to be riding it out in his bunker at Nkandla,” said an aide. “We’re under strict instructions to keep him limber and hydrated in case he needs to repopulate the planet afterwards. He’s been practising these last few years, and he’s pretty stoked.”